Date: Fri, 1 Sep 2006 20:45:09 +0100
To: xxxx@xxxx.org
Subject:  Re: (void) 16 hours in JFK
From:  Simon Wistow 

On Fri, Sep 01, 2006 at 02:42:46AM +0100, I said:
> JFK is not the greatest airport to be stuck in overnight but details 
> will have to wait till tomorrow ...

4:30pm
Am still stuck in traffic with no signs to JFK yet ... ooh, 
tell a lie, there's the first one. May still make this yet.

4:45pm
WTF! The frickin *off ramp* to the Terminal is bumper to bumper. Consider 
jumping out of cab and running up side of road. Decide not to since it 
is bucketing down with rain.

4.50pm 
Run to harpy faced harridan at self check-in desk and explain 
situation. Am told I am 5 minutes too late. Swear that she is actually 
smirking when she says this.

4.55pm
Finish conflicting emotional spiral of disbelief, anger, shame and 
morbid fatality. Remind self that one is British and should therefore 
keep stiff upper lip. Prepare body for inevitable forthcoming booze.

4.56pm
Queue at American Airlines desk. Whistle jaunty tune. Make first attempt 
to phone San Fran.

5.05pm 
Still queuing. Stopped whistling. Try phoning again. 

5.15pm
Still queuing. Still no answer. Phone making sad pre-death noises. Shut 
it off. 

5.20pm 
Lady at desk tells me next flight is at 7am and that there are "plenty
of seats" but I can reserve one for $25. Decide that, given last few
days travel woes that this is a good idea. Ask if there is anywhere I
can stash bags. Am told no and given look that clearly indicates that
woman at desk now believes that I am probably a terrorist. She types
something on her computer - begin to get distinct feeling that breakfast
tomorrow morning will probably consist of anal cavity search, over easy. 

5:25pm
Begin heading in direction of Terminal 4 which apparently has "all the
shops". Am accosted by Joradian family who want to go there "Because we
are Jordanian". Errm, ok. Tell them to follow me which they do
nervously. Speculate that this is not helping me avoid Senor Assprobe
tomorrow morning, especially when the husband pulls out a video camera.

5:35pm
Begin to survey my home for the next 13 hours.

5:37pm
Finish surveying. After careful consideration choose the bar.

5:38pm
Order first drink

5:42pm
Finish first pint. Order another. Begin talking to elderly gentleman en 
route to Ireland. 

5:44pm
Young guy returning to Ireland also joins in.

5:50pm
Order next round.

6:05pm
Woman at table over joins in. She has a flame red hair, a southern 
accent, nails that can only be described as talons and a smile that can 
only be described as knowing. Elderly guy buys next round. 

8:00pm
Am now what we professionals call "pissed". Wave goodbye to new friends. 
Contemplate own mortality. Or getting some food. I forget.

8:05pm
Meander unsteadily around concourse inventorying food stands.

8:06pm
Wonder if "inventorying" is actually a word.

8:07pm
Crave pizza. Lurch towards S Barro.

8:08pm
Change mind. Decide on "Wok and Roll!" Am a sucker for punny names.

8:10pm
Order noodles with General Tso's Chicken and Bourbon Chicken. everything 
else looked ... underwhelming.

8:12pm 
Wok and Roll's slogan is "fine chinese dining". This, I can comfortably 
say, is a prime example of false advertising.

8:20pm
9 hours to go until check-in. Realise I should have paced myself.

8:35pm
Book on the mathematics of PageRank[*] is not exactly light airport 
reading. Decide to buy another book. 

8:36pm
Book store closed 5 minutes ago.

8:45pm
Sitting and staring vacantly seems to have passed 10 whole minutes. 
Contemplate early death as solution to current boredom.

8:52pm
Planning own extravagant funeral seems to have wasted another 7 minutes. 
Congratulate self.

8:58pm
Writing imaginary newspaper headlines (random examples - "British man
found hung by inedible noodles", "Rancid meat used to spell out curse
aimed at hapless airport eatery owner" etc etc) has wasted another 6
minutes.

9:06pm
Find "Fun Zone"

9:07pm
"Fun" zone is not

9:45pm
Estimate have wasted 20 dollars playing "Need for Speed" arcade game. It 
is not what I would call a classic.

10:05pm
Have wasted another 10 dollars.

10:07pm
Realisation slowly dawns that JFK terminal 4 has no seats which aren't 
curved. 

10:09pm
Find abandoned newspaper.

10:25pm
Finish reading newspaper. Am consumed with loathing for world.

10:35pm
Waste another 10 minutes staring vacantly into space. Go to look for 
somewhere to sleep.

10:42pm
Find one gate with vaguely straight benches. Unfortunately these are 
made out of concrete. Decide JFK was designed by a sadist. A sadist 
with strongly harboured desires to inflict woes on as many people as 
possible.

10:45pm
Plot revenge on JFK architect. 

10:46pm
Expand revenge fantasy to include check-in harridan.

10:47pm
Experience mild remorse that she was probably following airline rules.

10:48pm
Get over remorse, muse on mechanics of Rube Goldberg esque device for 
crushing harridan using two Rhinosceri mounted onto bungee cords.

10:53pm
Mentally sketch grisly death machine intended for everyone else on 
Freeway this afternoon.

10:57pm
Realise that have been chuckling out loud and that people are staring.

10:59pm
Include stary people.

11:00pm
Decide that 11pm is an acceptable time to go to "bed"

11:15pm
Naively felt that, even though I often have problems getting to sleep in 
an actual "bed", getting to sleep on an abrasive concrete surface 
underneath flickering neon tubes would somehow be easier. Mock self 
from 15 minutes ago.

11:25pm
That book is not getting any easier to read.

11:45pm
Fall asleep.

01:00am
Wake up. Snores of Hassidic guy on bench opposite are comparable to a 
large yet inexplicably ill maintained aircraft carrier. 

01:02am
Populated by ADHD monkeys.

01:03am
With maracas.

01:04am
With maracas made out of wrenches which they are constantly bashing 
against large bells.

01:10am
HE'S GOT LOUDER! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

01:11am
Include Hassidic Guy.

01:30am
Fall asleep again.

02:30am
Wake up again. Decide to play NfS that is situated on its own in 
corner, seperated from its "Fun" Zone friends.

02:31am 
Am horrified to find that whilst game in dedicated game zone has had
speaker disconnected, one in checkin gate has not. Earn wrathful stares
of fellow refugees. Experience cringeing embarassment - perhaps the most 
painful experience and Englishman can have.

02:35am
Realise have not had a cup of tea for 4 days. Conclude that previous 
most painful experience has been supplanted. Marvel that is easier to 
get decent cup of tea up side of mountain in Scotland than in whole of 
United States.

02:36am
Realise same can be said for decent mobile phone coverage.

02:50am
Fall asleep

03:30am
Cleaning crew come to, err clean. Their mini scooter cleaning thingy 
looks like a cross betweena a Segway and ED-209 from the film Robocop. 
It sounds like a million angry vacumns rising up in anger against their 
human masters.

03:40am
Am now faced with Soloman-esque decision - try and sleep for another 
hour or try and stay awake for same. Opt for sleep.

03:55am
CURSE YOU BODY! FOR ONCE WILL YOU JUST FRICKING FALL ASLEEP WHEN I WANT 
YOU TO.

04:15am
Fall asleep.

04:30am
Wake up panicking that have missed flight again.

04:45am
Wash armpits and change tshirt in toilets. Fellow traveller remarks 
that there are "The nicest airport toilets I've ever been in". Shoot 
him stare of scorn filled pity.

04:49am
Trek back to Terminal 2. Find it oddly bustling.

05:00am
Automatic checkin machine refuses to accept my new ticket. Women behind 
luggage check desk refuse to speak to me until automatic checkin machine 
has issued a number.

05:01am
Go on bloody rampage. Slaughter American Airlines staff and fellow 
travellers alike in a Woo-esque tableau of balletic carnage. A symphony 
of death for Machete and fragmentation grenade.

05:05am
Awake from reverie and stomp towards main AA desk.

05:08am
Queue.

05:17am
Still queuing.

05:22am
Checkin

05:27am
Queue for security

05:35am
Still queuing

05:42am
Suddenly remembering possibility of impending date with anally fixated 
rubber glove wearer. Begin cold sweat.

05:44am
Realisation that presence of cold sweat will only encourage The 
Fistinator brings on further cold sweat.

05:52am
I'm through! All holes previously classified as "outholes" still retain 
said status.

06:07am
ENOCOFFEESHOP

06:13am
Consider Starbucks in leiu of coffee shop. Realise am delirious from 
lack of sleep.

06:18am 
Am engaged in conversation by large man who almost certainly goes by the 
name of "Bubba" who ask if I'm Australian. When I reply that I am 
English he nods thoughtfully and comments that "Man you have some fucked 
up shit with hammers there". 

06:19am
Blink slowly. 

06:20am
According to Bubba hammers are banned in the UK unless you can prove you 
need one.

06:21am
Blink slowly again.

06:22am
Posit that he may be referring to the law of "Going equipped [to 
burgle]". 

06:23am
Bubba opines that England is now practically a communist country and 
that we should "get [our]selves a consitution".

06:24am
Smart Arsed remark that we have the Magna Carta has not gone down well. 

06:30am
Boarding called. There is a God.


[*] Available here



http://www.amazon.com/Googles-PageRank-Beyond-Science-Rankings/dp/0691122024/

When did Amazon change their url format?